basil getting better

mental health recovery with a mental illness and neurodivergence soup brain

Day 2/14 at the TCU

I've made it through my second day! I've been settling in well, but have realised that starting over a weekend may be a little less than ideal, because it's going to take me longer to get used to the regular activities.
I woke up around 7 to someone else's alarm, on about 6 hours of sleep. I knew that tomorrow was today at 9 there'd be a cooking group for breakfast, but I was hungry so instead I got dressed and went and made myself some toast. After breakfast, I spent the morning painting, and then making origami frogs. People (staff) came and spoke to me a handful of times, but it was just chatter, nothing particularly memorable. One of the doctors(?) was quite delighted by being able to make the frogs jump.
I spent a while thinking about signing myself out for a while to do laundry, but eventually decided it was a later task because I didn't want to leave for over 5 hours so soon (half an hour each to get home and back, four hours to run the machine). I could've gone home and started the load and had someone else bring it all to me later, but I couldn't catch a hold of my housemate or anyone else who would be down. Besides, I knew music group was coming.
After lunch in the dining area, I got really overwhelmed and felt almost like crying for a while, and the feeling was intensified by one of the peer support workers walking through the halls yelling and singing every few minutes about how it was music time.
I managed to soothe myself through quietly singing it's ok and stimming a bunch (so I guess maybe I am autistic after all) and made it to the room around 1:30 (half an hour late, with a detour to make some tea).
Music Group
As I was making my tea I heard a bunch of instruments and voices playing Valerie. Once I was in, I sat in a corner. I was encouraged to pick up an instrument, but the free ones were a bass (I don't play bass) and an electric guitar (WAY too loud for me) so I declined and just sang along for the songs I knew.
After a while the peer supporters turned it into a thing of just making stuff up, and I didn't really participate but I stayed and tried to look normal and pleasant. I got chills a few times--some of the people here (especially the support workers) are really talented, and it was really inspiring to work at music again myself.
After group ended I stayed back for a while and listened to people talking, and once most of them had left I spent even longer talking to a guy whose role I honestly don't know, but he was very nice and I really enjoyed the chat. After that, I finally picked up the ukulele that's always in that room and went outside and played quietly to myself, and recorded some of it. Low quality voice memo files, and faulty performances, but I still enjoyed it.
Later a friend came and brought me some snacks, I showed them around, and we generally vibed for a bit. Then it was dinner (sweet chilli tofu, rice, and some veg).
I feel like I've had a decent day. I'm feeling good about that self soothing earlier. I'm a little nervous, partly social anxiety, partly the already pressing feeling that I'm running out of time here (yes, I hear how ridiculous that is). As I've reached this point of writing it's now 6:30pm; maybe I'll go on a walk or something. I have just installed a free DAW to my shitty laptop, so we'll see how that holds up I guess.
I'm gonna take a break from this now. If I don't come back to this, I guess I'll see you tomorrow!

Update from the next morning..
I ended up deciding to go on a walk. I told the nurses I'd be back in "maybe an hour", but once I started walking I realised I didn't know the area or have any path in mind so I just started walking home (google said it'd be a 45 minute walk; I usually walk faster than google expects and I figured being a bit late back would be okay).
Cut to an hour later, I'd taken the train part of the way and was at home gathering items--I'd only really intended to startle my housemate for funsies, but they weren't home so I started collecting items. I called the centre to say I'd be back later (maybe another hour--by this point it was around 7:50, and I told them I'd be back by 9). While I was home I cut my nails, finally.
I took the train for a slightly longer leg of the journey back because by that point I was shaking a bit... I hadn't walked any significant distance in at least a week maybe more, and have been mostly at home or in hospital for the last month, so my body was having a bit of a time. I actually had to get off the train a station late, because the doors simply didn't open at the right stop (immediately before this I took [this image] (sorry if I forget to add it) of a sign warning not to use those doors, which I foolishly assumed was old and meaningless because it was holding up a poster, not stuck to the doors in question.
I still made it back in time, now very sweaty, wearing different bags than I'd left in, carrying a backpack and a tote bag.

Things I picked up:

  • clean clothes (mostly underwear, some shirts, the pants I wore home)
  • coffee syrup, nesquik, and a straw
  • the cord and dongle for my drawing tablet, and my surface pen, which I have since remembered is flat
  • my portable harddrive
  • a random unfinished friendship bracelet from years ago
  • green yarn, crochet hooks, and stitch markers
  • my whole ass midi keyboard

When I got back there was mild confusion about how to open the door (there's a doorbell) and I stood in reception for a while chatting with the chaotic gremlin staff member from yesterday about music and skating and going on really long walks. Afterwards I was given meds, put things away, took a very satisfying shower, and was in bed by 10:30pm. Like I said earlier; decent day! I've woken up well rested and feeling good, and look forward to updating again tonight (and maybe making some music between now and then!).